Music was my dream. It was my passion, my heart, my desire; music was everything.
It still is in a lot of ways. The only thing that I have ever felt that trumps music (or even simply measures up) is motherhood.
In college, where I majored in Voice, I knew that I didn't want to be a professional opera singer. I just don't LOVE opera like some of the people I knew there did. I wanted to be a studio singer, a choral singer and a recital singer.
And I am. First and foremost I am mother to 4 amazing kids. Second I am singer. I get paid to do what I love.
But right now all I feel is defeat.
I'm not sad that we haven't managed to afford piano lessons for Peter yet, or violin lessons for Lily. In fact, at the moment I'm a bit determined to steer them away from the arts and music in general.
I wouldn't be able to sing if it weren't for M, who provides for our family. M is a music professor, currently looking for work, and things don't look good.
Thankfully, M has other skills. But the thought of leaving music altogether is heartbreaking to both of us. And defeating.
What about all the years of practice? What about the gobs (and gobs and gobs) of money spent on advanced degrees? It just feels like such a waste.
Nothing is certain yet, but other options are being explored. (blah blah blah passive tense I don't giveacrap Dr. Johnson from Music 304)
Heart is broken; stomach hurts; have no idea where we'll be moving this summer.
Beyond anything else, though, I'm praying my guts out that I'll be able to amend this entry in a few days saying that I was wrong and that everything is coming up roses.
I think I'll title that post "triumph."
14 comments:
I will be waiting for that 'triumphant' post too! Life is so stinkin' hard sometimes. I am sorry that you are having struggles (and yet, still totally jealous that you have so many talents!!) Keep smiling or at least faking it, it'll turn around.
It will all turn out right. You are in my prayers. Keep singing... :)
Aw, Rach. My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry that things aren't looking good right now. I too am hopeful that there will be a TRIUMPH post in the near future, but until then, here's to new adventures and Heavenly Father closing (if only temporarily) some doors so that you can enter (if only temporarily) new and exciting (and maybe scary) doors that you had never thought to walk through before. ((((HUGS))))
Good luck!
This makes me so sad. :( I wish we could coordinate our breakdowns so we could be more help to each other, instead of have them at the same time!
The tone of your post sounds soooo much like me just a couple short months ago, ready to give up. Different set of circumstances, same feelings. Keep praying. Don't give up. The miracles will come. They will.
Oh sissie. I'm so sorry. This sounds just terrible.
I hope you guys are not forced into anything you aren't happy with. I love you all.
Life is uncertain...and hard! I will add you to my prayers, Sissy.
My heart hurts to hear this. Music is hard to make a living in. My husband was a music major and changed because, although he loved it, he didn't see a financial future. I hope your husband can find a job VERY quickly!
Sorry to hear it!! My dad sent out 100 and then 100 more applications for faculty positions back in the day. He got 2 interviews. The one in MN was exactly where we were to be.
Don't forget that triumph might mean nothing this year for somethign perfect next. In the mean time, my heart goes out to you! I've had to have strange and non-ideal jobs in my field (or outside) a few times............until the right thing came along.
You guys can make it!
Sorry that things are stressful and tough right now. Keep the faith that THINGS WILL WORK OUT! That has helped me out many times when I've faced trials (I wrote "trails" first) and heartbreak. Love and prayers.
I'm so sorry, Rachel. I do know what you're feeling. Having Joel stuck teaching High school and middle school orchestra after paying the gobs of money for his advanced degrees hurt. And we were at the end of our ropes when year after year, no University job would work out.
Keep the faith, though. We knew that Joel was supposed to do music. And something finally came up (and really, the money isn't great, but it's better than it was...) but it took a long time. Something will happen for you guys musically when it's the right thing. Meanwhile, I hope that you find something to support your family if it isn't meant to happen this year.
I'm keeping you guys in my prayers! (and there's another passive tense. Sorry Dr. Johnson.)
Rachel, Being in the music world is hard because it's so glorious when it's going on, but it's its own thing. We just don't get many chances for jam sessions like in the college days. (Well, marrying a musician probably allows you to get a lot more jam sessions than I get!)Music was my identity, too, back in middle school, high school, college, and the university. I miss it, a lot, but, I have the reward of knowing that I'll probably be the best violist in every ward I live in. :)- Plus, I get to teach piano lessons to crazy and usually ungrateful kids for the rest of my life so that they, in turn, can torture their students. :)
Peter can sure play well for someone who hasn't taken lessons! With two musical parents, why pay for lessons???? I don't!
I hope things work out quickly for you guys, although I wish you weren't moving from the ward. :(
Sorry I didn't post a comment when you wrote this, because I read it right away. Your situation reminded me of my parents', when we moved back to Chicagoland. Dad had other talents and ended up in IT, because there were no university jobs available. We moved there for music opportunities for my mom, all of which remained steady, but wouldn't have paid all the bills. Then Mom saw the divorce coming and got a master's in library science so she could support herself; it was at least 5 years before her job at BYU came through and she was back to working in music full time.
The interesting thing to me is that my dad still has an IT job, but in the past 5 or 6 years, has found many outlets for his music, not all of them even at church. Composing, submitting pieces, accompanying a local college choir...and I think he's enjoying his music more than ever.
This is not to say Mark should pursue other things and do music on the side, not at all. It's only to sympathize, I guess, and tell you the story of two musicians, both of whom paid pretty pennies for their advanced degrees, and how it has worked out for both of them, but with different outcomes.
It *is* a frustrating profession. But you are both talented and make good choices. Something good is bound to happen!
Sorry this is so long. Love you.
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